WHEN DREAMING ENDS~
by Blossom286
Summary: Post ATY, Sydney unravels
1. Default Chapter

WHEN DREAMING ENDS  
  
*I need to know if you were real  
  
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong  
  
When the memory comes  
  
I'll say I'm always in the dark*  
  
A month. That's how long he's been gone. That's how long I've been dead. I killed him. Just like I killed Danny, and Noah too. Three strikes - you're out.  
  
Francie moved out. She couldn't handle it. She has a new boyfriend, she lives with him now. She says that's why she left, but I know. She and Will come and visit sometimes. But I scare them. I've lost weight. I can't eat. I come home from work and usually sleep. I cried a lot at the beginning. But now I know that crying will do no good. God can't hear me anymore. No one can. I killed the man I loved. I've quarantined myself. I can't love again.  
  
The first night I came home, Francie was worried. I looked so tired. She tried to get me a nice bubble bath and I cried for 3 straight hours. I wouldn't get in. Everytime I looked at the water I remembered him. Seeing his face surrounded by all that water while I just watched. Dad tries to convince me that I did all I could. But I know better.  
  
Everything reminds me of him. Of the life that we were going to have someday. Everywhere I go, everything I see, it makes me think of him. I don't go out anymore.  
  
Sloane is concerned. He's noticed that I've changed. Dad told him I miss Danny and that I'll get over it. I was supposed to be married now. This satisfied him. I still go on my missions, and I do what he tells me, at least so he thinks.  
  
The CIA tried to get me to see Barnett. But it's no use. No one can get through the steel walls around me. And even if they could, there's nothing there anymore. My new handler gives me my counter-missions, he's not there if I need to talk. Not that I would anyway. I fulfill every mission, so no one complains that I'm dead.  
  
*I can't remember how it went  
  
You looked like everything I wanted  
  
And as you came along  
  
Slowly everything began to change  
  
I got you now*  
  
We could have been happy. He made life worth living. Dad told me once that he told Vaughn taking down SD-6 got me up the morning. I wish Vaughn knew that wasn't true. He would have known if I had told him. But I didn't. And now I killed him. Dreaming is over.  
  
We would have been perfect together. Sometimes I slip away to the world where SD-6 is gone, Vaughn is alive, and we're together. Sitting at a Kings game together, hands intertwined. Watching a movie, making out in the back row. Playing Boggle with Francie and Will. Sleeping in late and having breakfast in bed. This is my punishment. I make myself go through the images, and then remind myself that it's impossible because of me. This is how I punish myself for killing him.  
  
* I need to know if you were real  
  
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again  
  
And as the vision fades  
  
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes  
  
I felt them burn *  
  
I let the images slide away into nothingness. Reality cuts through. Images of a life of pain, of lies, and of tears. A life haunted by what could have been. Haunted by his emerald eyes. I feel a tear slip from my own eye. I brush it away. I'm not allowed to cry anymore. You can't cry unless you're alive.  
  
Someone knocks on the door. Will and Francie again. Bringing me something they'll try to coax me to eat. Offers to take me out to a movie or dinner or shopping. If I sit here long enough and pretend not to hear they'll go away. They'll understand that Sydney Bristow died with Michael Vaughn and she's never coming back.  
  
They knock again. More urgent this time. They're going to make this hard. I get up and walk to the door. Pull it open.  
  
Emerald eyes.  
  
I sob.  
  
"Vaughn?" it's not real. It's my mind playing the game again. Punishing me.  
  
Arms go around me. Visions don't hug.  
  
"I'm here Sydney. You're not dreaming."  
  
"No...you're gone."  
  
"I'm here Sydney. And I'm never leaving you again."  
  
Visions certainly don't kiss.  
  
I'm alive.  
  
THE END  
  
*Lyrics are "Give You Back" by Vertical Horizon. Yes I know it was in an episode but that's my favorite song and it's beautiful. 


	2. ~FLY AWAY~

~FLY AWAY~  
  
Morning comes again. This time though, I don't try to close all the curtains. I don't try to forget that I'm alive.  
  
I'm alone on the couch.  
  
Oh G-d, not again...He hugged me, he kissed me. He's not here. It was another dream. Another game.  
  
No, I'm not going to cry again.  
  
*She falls apart by herself  
  
No one's there to talk or understand  
  
Feels the sting  
  
Dries her eyes*  
  
"Sydney?! What's wrong? What is it? Don't cry!"  
  
No no no. Not again. I can't do this anymore.  
  
"Go away! Leave me alone!" I scream.  
  
It's not real, don't fall again. Don't let your mind win this time.  
  
"Sydney...please!"  
  
Get away. Don't believe.  
  
He comes near me and I scramble away. I will not let my dreams consume me anymore.  
  
*Runaway, runaway  
  
Wanna hold on to you but you're going away*  
  
"Sydney it's ok. It's me...it's Vaguhn!"  
  
"Vaughn is dead!"  
  
"No, Sydney I'm right here. Everything's alright."  
  
"Nothing is alright. I killed Vaughn."  
  
"No...Sydney...you didn't do anything to me. I got out, I'm alive. And I'm right here."  
  
I can't succumb. He comes close to me and I go limp. He's holding me now but I won't react, won't believe that this is real because then I'll wake up, and it will be gone. Just like always.  
  
*They've gone away left you there  
  
Emptiness is nothing you can share*  
  
Reality Sydney. Reality. Vaughn is dead. You killed him. Francie and Will are gone. They can't take it anymore. You're dead. You're empty inside. None of this is real.  
  
Fly away...fly away...  
  
*She's falls apart no one there  
  
Hold her hand it seems to disappear*  
  
He's holding my hand. Trying to warm it.  
  
"I'm dead...don't you see? I died with him."  
  
*Runaway, runaway  
  
Wanna hold on to you but you're going away* 


	3. ~A FOOL TO BELIEVE~

~A FOOL TO BELIEVE~  
  
I've dreamed of holding her in my arms.  
  
This month has been hell. First being tortured by the KGB, then once the CIA team extracted me, facing the doctors and psychiatrists. The whole time wondering if she was alive. If she was ok. If she knew I was alive.  
  
Why couldn't they tell her? Even if there was a mole, she needed to know. Look what it's done to her.  
  
*Don't close your eyes  
  
They may not open  
  
What if they open  
  
Would you be alive*  
  
And now I have her in my arms. Just like I've always wanted. But not like this. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Her eyes blank, unseeing.  
  
She's lost and I can't find her. I can't bring her back from the place between nightmares and reality.  
  
I've been dreaming of seeing her again for a month. Aching to see her smile, to look into her eyes. Now when I look in her eyes I see fear. She can't understand this is me. I'm here. Why didn't they just tell her I was ok? It would have saved her from this.  
  
This is not the person that I love. She's thin and for the first time...weak. A shell of her former self.  
  
*Everyone falls  
  
But not everyone rises  
  
Why don't you get up  
  
And rise again for me*  
  
Please Sydney. Look at me. See me.  
  
ME.  
  
Not a vision.  
  
Come back to me Sydney. I know you're still there. Wake up.  
  
My heart is breaking. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to come back to her and tell her I love her and that I need her. She was supposed to be waiting for me, ready for me to find her again. A happy reunion.  
  
*It isn't easy here without you  
  
Why did you leave me  
  
What am I supposed to do  
  
without you*  
  
A month without her felt like a lifetime. I can't stand another minute, I can barely breathe. I need her to be ok. I need her to come back. I can't live without her. 


	4. ~MY DYING DAY~

~MY DYING DAY~  
  
*Deliver me, out of my sadness.  
  
Deliver me, from all of the madness.  
  
Deliver me, courage to guide me.  
  
Deliver me, strength from inside me.*  
  
  
  
I wake up on the couch. His arms are around me. NO. This has gone on too long...can it possibly be real? Is he really here?  
  
I touch his cheek. It's warm and soft, it feels real.  
  
"Vaughn?"  
  
He stirs slightly. I start to cry. But it's not in sadness this time, he's here. I haven't been making this up. He's holding me. He fell asleep with me in his arms.  
  
"Vaughn?"  
  
He wakes up, pulls himself upright, and stares at me with concern.  
  
"Vaughn...you're real aren't you? Please, you have to be real."  
  
"Yeah Sydney. I am. I'm here."  
  
More tears fall.  
  
*All of my life I was in hiding.  
  
Wishing there was someone just like you.  
  
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,  
  
I know that you're the one to pull me through.*  
  
"No, please Sydney, don't cry. It's ok."  
  
"I thought you were gone. I...I killed you. And I dreamt of you, but then I would always wake up, and you were gone."  
  
"Sydney I wanted to come to you so badly. I wanted you to know I was alive. A month without you...not knowing if you were ok...I'm so sorry they didn't tell you I was alive. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. It going to be ok, I promise it will be ok."  
  
"Are you alright? Did she...did she hurt you?"  
  
"Yeah but I'm fine."  
  
He's not fine. How could he be fine? My mother tortured him. MY MOTHER. I'm dangerous, I can't let him be around me. I couldn't handle killing him again.  
  
I want his comfort again. I want to feel my hand in his. I want to feel his arms around me. I want him to never let go. I want him to bring me back to life.  
  
But if he does, he'll die.  
  
*Deliver me,  
  
Oh deliver me.  
  
Won't you deliver me* 


	5. ~ANOTHER HERO~

~ANOTHER HERO~  
  
*Of all the things I've believed in  
  
I just want to get it over with  
  
Tears form behind my eyes  
  
But I do not cry  
  
Counting the days that pass me by*  
  
Push him away. Don't love. I'm not allowed to. I'll kill him if I do. I lost him once...I can't do it again. I'm dead no matter what. If I push him away my heart will break. If I love him, he'll die, and I'll die with him. Just like before. So save him.  
  
He's here. He's alive. I can be free from the nightmares now. I just have to tell him to go away. And then he'll live! I can save him. I can right all the wrongs I've done to him.  
  
"Vaughn, you have to go."  
  
"No Sydney. NO! I'm not going to leave you."  
  
"I...I don't want you here." I'm hurting him. I can't stand hurting him, but what choice do I have?  
  
"Yes, you do Sydney. You have to!"  
  
"No. I don't. I'm glad you're alive, but it can't be like this."  
  
"I love you Sydney! I don't care about anything else. I love you!"  
  
"I don't love you!" My heart is breaking. I'm dying. Oh G-d, Vaughn, I need you, I love you. Don't go. Don't leave me again.  
  
"Yes, yes you do Sydney! I know you do! Tell me you do!"  
  
"NO!" Don't ask me to tell you Vaughn. I want to. I want to hold you and never let go. Don't make me do this to you. Leave! Don't make me hurt you anymore, don't make me hurt myself.  
  
*Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to*  
  
"Sydney, listen to me! I know you love me. Please just tell me! I'm not going to let you do this. I'm not leaving!"  
  
"Vaughn, don't make me do this to you."  
  
"Do what? You're killing me by making me go! I can't live without you."  
  
You can't live with me either! You'll die. I won't let that happen. Please Vaughn, why are you making this so hard? I can't stand lying to you...you were the only one I never had to lie to. You're everything to me, don't you see that? You know I love you so go, and be content with that!  
  
"Vaughn...I, I'm sorry. Just go. Please, just leave."  
  
*I still get lost in your eyes  
  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
  
But it's not right*  
  
No...no don't go. I need you to hold me, to tell me everything's alright. To let me feel your warmth so that I know you're really here. To look into your green eyes and see the truth and love there and know that I can go on. He's crying. Tears are spilling from those eyes I love so much. His heart is breaking. Maybe as much as mine is. No, not as much as mine, I can't tell him that I love him. I have to lie to the one person I have left. The only person that knew me. He doesn't know me anymore. I'm gone.  
  
*And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
  
I want you  
  
But I'm not giving in this time* 


	6. ~MY HEART CRIES~

~MY HEART CRIES~  
  
*Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today  
  
You've moved on  
  
I still feel exactly the same  
  
It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name  
  
Like photographs and memories of love  
  
Steel and granite reminders  
  
The city calls your name and I can't move on*  
  
I know she loves me. I have to hold onto that. It's all I have now. A week ago she forced me away. I was a coward. I don't deserve her. I should have refused, I should have held her, I was scared she would slip away so I left. Thought she would be happy, this is what she wanted. But I picture her frail and gaunt, thinking me dead and I know she's not happy.  
  
I walk the L.A. streets and everything reminds me of her. Places that we went like the pier haunt me with memories. Places that we would have gone, if life had chosen another route, another choice. If fate had not chosen us to be the two most miserable souls to walk the earth. These places haunt me with images from a dream. Her smiling face. Her hand in mine. Her lips pressing against mine. Holding a baby, a miniature Sydney. Happiness. The dream that will never be our reality.  
  
*Am I all alone in the universe?  
  
There's no love on these streets  
  
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway  
  
So this is my new freedom  
  
It's funny  
  
I don't remember being chained  
  
But nothing seems to make sense anymore*  
  
No one can understand the way I feel. I am free from the life of a CIA officer, I resigned. Couldn't handle not handling her. But I am bound to her no matter what. I will never be free from the worry, the anxiety that something is wrong, that I won't be there to soothe away the nightmare that is her life.  
  
Why did I let her go? I let her down. She needed me. I walked away. I want to go back but she hates me. She didn't hate me before but she will hate me for leaving. She asked me to but I should have stayed. I owed her that. I wanted that. I needed that.  
  
My life is nothing anymore. An endless loop. Walking around the city mourning, going home, mourning.  
  
*And time goes by so slowly  
  
The nights are cold and lonely  
  
I shouldn't be holding on  
  
But I'm still holding on for you*  
  
A week. Is that all it's been? I could have lived and died a thousand times. It feels like eternity. I never had her, so how can I miss her so much? I mourn that which I never had, never belonged to me. But it was mine. Whether it was real or not, the love we shared was mine. I gave it away. Everyone says to move on. There's no use. Nothing will change. But they don't see. I can't. I can't let her go. How can you let go of your own heart? It stays with you forever, beating inside you until you're gone. Just like she does.  
  
I look up from the street I've been walking down, never taking in the surroundings. I'm shocked to see where I am. I'm in front of her house. Her car is there. She's yards away. I have been lead back. I won't turn away this time. I can't give her up.  
  
*Here I go again  
  
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today  
  
But I'm standing at your doorway  
  
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on* 


	7. ~NOW YOU'RE IN THE WORLD~

~NOW YOU'RE IN THE WORLD~  
  
*When you're all alone  
  
And you need a light  
  
Someone to guide you  
  
Through the night  
  
Just remember  
  
That I am here*  
  
Another knock on the door. I don't want to answer it, but I want to answer it so badly. I never want to see him again, but I want to hold him in my arms forever and never let go. If it's him, I don't know I'll have the strength to turn him away again. I can't answer the door. I can't risk seeing him there again. The rain is pouring down tonight. How perfect. It suits my dark and dismal mood, the loneliness, the fear. But if I concentrate on the sound of the storms outside, I don't hear the urgent knocking on my door. But then I hear him.  
  
"SYDNEY!"  
  
No. I can't come Vaughn. I can't. Turn around and leave.  
  
"SYDNEY! PLEASE!"  
  
My heart is shattering into a million pieces.  
  
"SYDNEY! Are you ok? Please, PLEASE answer the door!"  
  
I can't take anymore. I have to see him. I can't listen to his heart break like that for another instant.  
  
I answer the door and begin to sob. He is dripping wet and looks as if, like me, he hasn't slept since we last parted. His eyes are red rimmed  
  
"Sydney." He breathes out a sigh of relief.  
  
"Oh Vaughn..." it hurts so much to see him. I want him more than anything in this world.  
  
"Sydney..." his voice wavers.  
  
He takes me in his arms. He holds me so tight, I can hardly breathe. But I don't care. I can't breathe around him anyway. "Sydney...I'm never letting you go."  
  
"You already did."  
  
*When you're all alone  
  
And you need a friend  
  
Someone to help you to the end*  
  
"Sydney, I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I was so stupid. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Forgive me....forgive me..."  
  
His pleading is breaking my heart.  
  
"Of course, I forgive you. I forgave you before you left. It was my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I don't want to lose you! I don't want to kill you like everyone else..."  
  
He pulls me inside. I'm now just as wet as him. He sets me on the couch and wraps me in a blanket, but it doesn't stop my body from shaking. My tears are falling down, rivaling the rain outside.  
  
A gentle thumb wipes them away. He cups his hands behind my head and cradles me.  
  
"I love you Sydney. I love you...I love you. Shhh...it's ok. Don't cry. I'm here. Forever. And I'm going to take care of you. We're close to taking them down. Soon. I'm going to hold you until you're ok again, and then I'm going to love you for the rest of our lives."  
  
*To hold you close and dry your tears  
  
Just when you thought you were falling  
  
You know I'll always be right there*  
  
"I won't hurt you anymore Syd. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you...I didn't know what to do."  
  
"I love you so much Vaugn. I tried to push you away. It killed me but I wanted you to be ok, I didn't want you to hurt, I wanted to save you. But I can't. You love me and that's the worst thing you can do."  
  
"No, Syd! Don't you see? We're going to get rid of them. And we won't have to worry. Please believe my Sydney."  
  
"I believe you."  
  
*Just when you thought you were falling  
  
You know I'll always be right there  
  
Whenever you need me I'll always be right there* 


	8. ~HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS~

~HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS~  
  
*Rain falls angry on the tin roof  
  
As we lie awake in my bed  
  
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof  
  
My love is alive and not dead*  
  
He isn't dead. He isn't gone. He came back. 2 outs...I guess third time is the charm.  
  
He loves me.  
  
Michael Vaughn loves me.  
  
The rain is still pouring against the windows, but now it is not the soundtrack of my tumultuous being. It is cleansing rain that washes away the past. The morning will come bright and fresh. The howling wind and the rustling trees make our place in the bed even more comforting. His arms are wrapped protectively around me and he's sleeping so peacefully. I've never seen him so carefree. I feel carefree. I feel warm and safe within his embrace.  
  
*The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful  
  
Stop me and steal my breath  
  
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky  
  
Never revealing their depth*  
  
I wish he would open his eyes, though I love to see him sleep.  
  
Those emerald green eyes that haunted me for the month I thought I would never see them again, now have me captivated. They are so deep, and they peer at me with so much love it's agonizing, crushing, but wonderful.  
  
Hours ago I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear, never see anyone again. I feel like laughing and crying all at the same time and my emotions are rushing through me like tidal waves.  
  
Unknowingly I begin to cry.  
  
*I'll Be your cryin' shoulder  
  
I'll Be your love suicide  
  
I'll Be better when I'm older  
  
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life*  
  
"Syd? Are you crying?"  
  
"No." I feel the dampness on my cheek. "Yes."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Can we stay like this forever?"  
  
"Well, my arm might fall asleep but we can try."  
  
I laugh, but then more tears sting my eyes.  
  
"Syd? Seriously, what's wrong sweetheart?"  
  
"What if it's just a dream...like the other times? What if we wake up tomorrow morning and it's over? What if we can't ever be together? I just want this to last forever. I don't ever want to leave your side."  
  
He strokes my hair gently.  
  
"I want this to last forever too Syd. But you know what? Then we wouldn't get to wake up every single morning and realize it's not a dream. And I want that too. We'll make it. I promise you."  
  
"I'm scared."  
  
"I am too."  
  
He pulls me closer against him and kisses my head.  
  
"But I love you too much to let anything come between us. Look how much we've defeated. Do you really think a little thing like SD-6 is going to stand in our way?"  
  
His words soothe me. He's so confident. So sure. I'm still terrified that I'll wake up from this dream, but I will cling to his promises.  
  
*You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof  
  
My love is alive and not dead* 


	9. ~COME WHAT MAY~

Ok here ya go folks. It's the last chapter. Wow, I'm finishing a WIP! Amazing. Hmmm I'm not sure how this is going to turn out.  
  
~COME WHAT MAY~ (oh come on, you knew it was coming)  
  
*I need to know if you were real  
  
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong  
  
When the memory comes  
  
I'll say I'm always in the dark*  
  
One year. That's how long ago that beautiful night was. That night that I held her and told her it wasn't a just a dream. That every day we would wake up to each other. Today my dream ended.  
  
After that night, things were better. We couldn't really be together, couldn't spend the night in each other's arms, but we both knew that soon we would be together. Some missions were particularly rough and I would hold her at the warehouse until the tears subsided. When my mother died, she held me until I found comfort and peace. Sometimes we ate dinner together at the warehouse, and we were happy. We were together. SD-6 couldn't change that, the CIA couldn't change that. Devlin wasn't happy, neither were Jack and Will. But they let us be. I think they knew that our love kept us both alive, and they weren't going to take that away from us.  
  
Apparently Sloane didn't feel the same way.  
  
*I can't remember how it went  
  
You looked like everything I wanted  
  
And as you came along  
  
Slowly everything began to change  
  
I got you now*  
  
It was a long year. 2 weeks ago I found out the end was in sight. We were taking them down. I was overjoyed, Sydney was exuberant. We held each other, laughed and cried, hugged and kissed. We talked about the future. Getting married. Having kids. We set a date. April 28. I said we should go for April 7, she didn't find that too amusing.  
  
I told her I would be waiting for her outside the Credit Dauphine building.  
  
I said I was going to take in her my arms, swing her around, kiss her, and shout to the whole world that Sydney Bristow was my life and she was free and that our life was about to begin.  
  
She said she couldn't wait.  
  
She couldn't wait to tell her friends the truth. To make wedding arrangements. She was absolutely giddy.  
  
Today was the end of SD-6 and the Alliance. We ordered everyone out of the Credit Dauphine. The CIA and FBI were there to take everyone into custody. I couldn'y find Sydney. Jack and Dixon said that she was with Sloane the last time they had seen her. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sloane must have found out. I don't know how, but he did, and Sydney was with him. He was going to kill her.  
  
I got a team. We were getting ready to raid the building. I wasn't going to let that bastard take her. I wansn't going to let him steal our life.  
  
Then the building blew up.  
  
Sloane took his life, and took her with him.  
  
My life ended. My dream went up in smoke with the building.  
  
I couldn't move.  
  
I failed her.  
  
I was supposed to save her, to free her. I let her down. Now she's gone.  
  
They all tried to comfort me. They said there was nothing I could do. No one could have known that Sloane found out. No one could have known that he would blow up the building. They said thank God there was no one else in there.  
  
No one but my life, my dream. Everything was in that building.  
  
Now I'm at her house. Touching her things, inhaling her scent. Remembering the days and nights we had together. We were robbed. Our life together never began.  
  
Because of me.  
  
I can't take this.  
  
I fall down and cry.  
  
* I need to know if you were real  
  
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again  
  
And as the vision fades  
  
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes  
  
I felt them burn *  
  
I didn't hear the door open. In my grief I heard nothing. Not even soft footsteps approaching me.  
  
But I felt a hand rub my back.  
  
I don't dare to hope.  
  
But I find the strength to pull my head up.  
  
And there she is. Her face is bruised, a cut above her eye bleeds heavily, her arm is hanging at an awkward angle. She is dirty and her clothes torn. But she's here.  
  
"Sydney?"  
  
"It's over Vaughn."  
  
"You're..you're alive! Dear G-d, oh G-d. G-d, Sydney!" my voice cracks and I'm crying hysterically and she is too. I'm holding her in my arms again. Our tears mingling together as our lips join.  
  
"Syd, you need to get to a hospital."  
  
"Yeah, but not yet. I want to be with you. Let me be with you."  
  
"I thought you were gone. I thought the dream was over."  
  
"It's only just begun."  
  
We're together. Come what may.  
  
The dream is ours.  
  
THE END 


End file.
